Why Everything We Know About Discipline is Wrong...

Why Everything We Know About Discipline Is Wrong

In my work as a clinical psychologist, the greatest concern expressed by parents is not knowing how to effectively discipline their children.

No surprise here.

They are often frustrated and burnt out because they have tried every technique and strategy out there to no avail. Their child's behavior hasn't changed and more specifically, they are on the verge of breaking point themselves.

To help parents understand why their disciplinary strategies do not work, I often do an exercise with them.

I ask them to use the word "discipline" in a sentence.

Invariably, they say something like, "How can I discipline my child?" or if they are addressing their child, they say, "I am going to think of a way to discipline you."

I first point out how the word "discipline" is used as a verb: Something you do onto another.

I then ask them to analyze the subtext of their sentences -- what do they really mean when they use the term "discipline"?

If they are really honest, they say something to the effect of, "I want a way to control them" or "I am pissed off at my kids and they are going to pay for it,"or "I am so frustrated because I cannot change how they behave."

And this, I reveal to them, is the reason why disciplinary strategies with our children backfire. We say we want to teach our children proper behavior and help them develop self-discipline. Yet instead, we have adopted strategies that are the direct opposite of teaching and instead are just clever guises of manipulation and control.

Brings up some issues I started on here.
I fully agree with the following quote.

If I'm to set myself up as my child's teacher, I must first have learned how to be self-disciplined. I must have addressed, and continue to address, my own emotional immaturity. I do this by becoming an authentic person, true to myself. In this way, my child learns from me to also be true to themselves -- true to their heart's deepest desires.

Turning things back into positive comments and putting focus somewhere else is an important tool when there is every inclination to hyper focus on the unhelpful behaviours that are occurring. My experience over the years has shown me that for some children any attention is a reinforcer whether is it positive OR negative. For these children hyper focusing on their unhelpful behaviours reinforces them and ensures they will actually reoccur.

I have found it also leads to negative energies perpetuating for the teacher as well. Resulting in more stress and the creation of a vicious cycle.

Look for whatever positive you can - even if it is just the way the child is breathing!
Reassess your goals for the session - not all students will achieve the same thing at the same time.
Resist the desire for conformity!